Wednesday, June 06, 2007

O frabjous day!

When all you have is a vorpal sword, everything starts to look like a Jabberwock.

Yes, I am suffering from some insomnia. Why do you ask?

Friday, June 01, 2007

Briiiaaannnn, Brriiiiiiiiiiiaaaaan!

Okay, I'm going to level with all ya'alls: I am so bored right now. Like, becoming a zombie bored. Becoming a vegetarian zombie bored.

Seriously, I have done nearly nothing for almost two solid weeks, and I'm getting crazier than a 540 Indy Nosebone McTwist over an erupting volcano into a vat with seven sharks armed with a standard 6-shooter.

In case you don't speak Awesomenese, that's pretty crazy.

But, yeah, it's not really the kind of crazy that tends to produce blog posts.

Yup, you guessed it: This has been a convoluted apology post.

Monday, April 23, 2007

A Pictographic Analysis of the Situation at Hand, or, Crappy Cellphone Pictures Ahead: Viewer Beware!

Welcome back, boys and girls.

This = late.

Thus, I owe you many pictures. So, without further ado, a pictoral tour of my new domicile:

This is my stove. It's a great example of the style of decor you'll notice throughout the apartment, namely: old.

Here we have a closeup of my spice rack. Items of note are my finger, two nearly full things of Lawry's Seasoned Salt, and blurry motion photography, indicating that this is where the action happens.

To fully appreciate this photo, it is recommended that you blast "Also Sprach Zarathustra" and imagine monkeys smashing bones.

Ramen, peanut butter, and hot cocoa: staples on which a man can live for nearly an eternity, if not longer.

This is the location from which this very blog post is being created, through a process we at C:tB like to call "Cremagication."

The Pikey Hat rests atop my Bible near the cable that hooks my compy up to the Interwebs. Something Zen is happening in this photo, but I can't quite determine what precisely it is.

The magic blinky lights that indicate that the internet is hooked up and pumping information, IV like, directly into my brain.

This is the trim in my living room. It cracks me up.

A wide shot of the living room. Things to note: Old looking furniture, old looking walls, and tiny, old looking windows.

Push the black thingy in the tank down after you flush.


If you took every closet I've ever had in my life, before this, and put them all together, they would still be smaller than this closet. It makes me feel just a little girly that this is one of my favorite features of the apartment.


I love lamp.

As you enter my apartment, you are greeted with this friendly reminder. Welcome mats are so cliche.

Tours in the blogosphere end differently than most tours: With the entrance.

That's all.

I probably still owe you like a million posts.


Sunday, February 18, 2007

Let's talk.

Okay, so I'm hyper-late now.

But, it's not my fault.

You see, there was a log-in issue with Blogger that was being super annoying, and I e-mailed the Google guys, and they got back to me with a workaround, so here is a post full of this run-on sentence.

So, while this post is late, it is, as stated above, not my fault. Therefore, I'm going to insert the two missing posts below this one, and give you some random photos, but not of me.

Sound good?


EDIT: Posts in place. (One is below Rae's, as they're posted on the dates they were supposed to go up.) Pictures to come.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Pikey Hat: A Retrospective

So, I have this hat, which I refer to as my Pikey Hat. This is the story of this hat.

Born at the Henschel Hat Manufacturing company in St. Louis, Missouri, the hat soon moved to San Francisco, where it spent some time at a weird specialty hat store on Pier 39. It was there that I first met the pikey hat.

Though I liked the cut of its jib, I didn't immediately buy the hat, because it's price was a bit rich for my blood. However, as I walked out of the store, I realized that a hat that cool that actually fit on my head was too rare a find to just walk out on, so I purchased it.

The pikey hat and I went on to have many adventures together. It was with me for the rest of that trip to California, and a number of later band trips as well, seeing many of the sights.

It came with me when I went to visit Iowa State University, in hopes of attending that college. When I accidently left it in a Chinese Buffet, it waited patiently for my return two days later. The woman at the desk recognized me, and immediately gave me my hat back. I had always had a suspicion, but it was then that I realized that what I had was a lucky hat.

Now, the hat doesn't cause me luck, (though I did wear it on some early (and more recent) dates with my lady friend) the hat itself is lucky. The incident in Iowa is only one of many times that hat has been lost, but it's always found its way back. When it was getting dirty, it was also the perfect hat for my role in Screwtape, and managed to get itself dry cleaned as a result of me getting stage makeup in it.

The hat now plays a quiet role in my day-to-day existence. It gets worn as head protection when the weather is cold, but the occasion calls for something a little dressier than my Mountain Dew beanie. During the warmer months, it also serves to make me look cool. (No mean feat.) And, on occasion, it covers up the LED's on my mouse so I can sleep in the tiny room I live in without having to turn the compy off.

This is all probably interesting to no one but me.

I think the hat would like it that way.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Gratzorgravy! (A World of Warcraft Adventure)

Kluber, The Grease, Paladin of the Silver Hand sniffed the wind, and immediately regretted it. The fetid stink of the Living Dead filled the air. He spied one of the foul abominations over the next rise. Calling upon the holy energies that coursed through him, he rushed into battle, easily smiting his foe.

Seeing a potential vulnerability, another of the damned rushed at his back. He crushed this one with the same ease as the first. "Lolz!" he proclaimed, /spitting on the corpse.

All of the sudden, a rush of golden light and a peculiar "BWOOHM!" sound came about Kluber. He knew this sensation! "Ding!" he shouted in exultation, "Zomg! Teh 60!"

"Gratz!" was the resounding reply from the heavens.

Kluber was rejoicing that he had reached the pinnacle of Paladinhood when another voice from the heavens, one of these "guildies" said, "Dude, now get to 70."

So overcome was Kluber that he fell to his knees and screamed to the sky, "HAX!!!!"

After a moment of grief, Kluber arose and shouldered his hammer.

There were things that yet needed to be killed.

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Interview With A Blogpire

My friend Stacey sent me the following proof that I've always been this weird. This is from high school.

The following are the actual questions asked and the actual responses given by Ben Kanter.

Q: What is your name backwards?

A: Retnak Nhoj Nimajneb

Q: Who is the most inspirational Sesame Street character?

A: Oscar because Oscar don’t take no gruff from nobody

Q: What is you favorite element and why?

A: Vanadium because it sounds cool

Q: If you had to be stranded on a desert island for the rest of your life, who of the opposite sex would you take you?

A: (grabs me) YOU

Q: Why?

A: You’re standing right there.

Q: In you dream house, what would your front door knob look like?

A: A dragon’s head, that would be so cool.

Q: What animal would you be?

A: A platypus because they’re mammals yet they lays eggs

Q: Which leg do you put in your pants first?

A: I just put both feet in at once and slide them up.

Q: If you were the president of Djibouti, what would the first line of the national anthem be?

A: What’s up in Djibouti?

Q: What would be your Indian name?

A: Buffalo with tail in air

Q: If you had to loose one body part, what would you choose?

A: My left leg because I don’t use it very often. No, wait, one of my kidneys because you only need one. Oh, yeah yeah, put down nipple ‘cuz I got a spare.

Q: If you had to add one body part, what would you choose?

A: I would put an extra hand on my arm so it would be facing the other hand so I could clap with only one hand.

Q: If you had a Captain Planet ring, what would your power be?

A: Gronndy’s mom. If you don’t think that’s a power then you obviously haven’t met Gronndy’s mom.

Q: What’s your favorite quote from Toy Story?

A: “Who’s behind? Mine”

Q: Paper towel or hand dryer?

A: Both. You get most of the moisture off with the dryer, but then get the rest with the towel.

Q: Paper or plastic?

A: Plastic because I need them for cleaning the cat box

You're welcome, internet.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Keep Your Feet On The Ground!

So, this one time when I had medium length hair, and a big beard...

Namely, today...

I needed to get up early to buy my mother crutches. You see, she had to teach at 8, which, coincidentally is when Walgreens (The only local convenient source of crutches) opens. So, 8 am found me in line at the checkout in Walgreens, crutches in hand. The cashier asked me if I wanted a twenty-five cent package of some candy they had on promotion.

I play a lot of World of Warcraft. In World of Warcraft there are two main factions that players can be a part of: The Horde, and The Alliance. There is typically a great deal of animosity between these two factions, as their digital avatars tend to kill each other.

I play Alliance.

The cashier asked me if I wanted a twenty-five cent package of some candy they had on promotion. I said sure. Having already paid for my crutches with my debit card, I handed him a quarter from my pocket, and he took the box of candy from the large stack next to the register. Then he uttered the fateful words, "Heh, shrinking my horde."

Then I said (supposing I was speaking too quietly to be heard), "Alliance for the win."

He looked at me strangely. (Disproving my supposition.)

As I walked out the door, the customer behind me in line yelled to my back, "For the Horde!"

I think my friend Kaleb summed it up best when he said, "NEEERDZ!!"


Saturday, January 20, 2007

A Conundrum, Wrapped in an Enigma, Wrapped in a Warm Flour Tortilla


Anyone here...

Didn't think so. Good. Things are as normal.

Now, to type as if you were here:
Hello, readers. Welcome back to Crap: The Blog, the Blog where everything's made up and Rae stalks me. You may be wondering why there have been no posts of late. You are probably only wondering this if you're new to C:tB, because lack of posting is what we do around here.

That's about to change.

Ladies, gentlemen, and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri, I hereby announce that I will officially be updating at least once every 8 days.

Let me say that again: I (your beloved leader) will update this (your beloved blog) every eight (your beloved... umm... number) days. This means that I pledge that from this point until some point in the future there will be no more than eight days between posts. Why eight, you ask? Because I chose that number arbitrarily.

Veteran readers of my blog were skeptical quite a while ago, and are now saying to themselves, "Yeah, right, what's to keep him in line?" Fear not, gentle readers, I have a plan. For I have acquired a digital camera, and, for every day a post is late, I will use said camera to take a picture of me doing something stupid.

You heard me.

Or read me.

Err... the blog post I typed.

Be not afraid, I already have a backlog of apology photos ready to go.

Good night, internet, sleep well, good work today.

I'll most likely kill you in the morning.